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Preview — How to Archer by Sterling Archer

Lying is like 95% of what I do. But believe me: in this book, I’ll let you know exactly how to become a master spy just like me. Obviously, you won’t be as good at it as I am, but that’s because you’re you, and I’m Sterling Archer.

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But don’t beat yourself up about it, because I’m going to show you all the good stuff—what to wear; what

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Published January 17th 2012 by It Books
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Feb 16, 2012Kemper rated it really liked it

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Secret agent Sterling Archer has written a book about being a spy, but he isn’t very happy about it.
Archer thought he was being asked to write his memoirs, but after a seven martini lunch and a sexual encounter with his editrix*, he learned that his contract was actually for a how-to book. Sterling doesn't like this because it’ll probably make his job harder if he gives away all his trade secrets, and he isn’t even going to get to do a chapter about cobras.
*An editrix is a female editor. Seriou..more
Sep 18, 2016Nick Pageant rated it really liked it
ARCHER FUN FACT: BOURBON
Contrary to popular belief, bourbon whiskey may be produced anywhere in the United States, and not exclusively in Kentucky. Same thing goes for banging your cousin.
So, and it's totally okay if you don't believe me, I actually do research for books that I'm working on. I needed to learn a little, not much, but a little about spies and spying and survival and guns and such. I decided that I needed to read several books to get the proper info. The main two being Tinker, Tail..more
Jan 02, 2014How To Archer Free DownloadMara rated it really liked it
Shelves: codename-duchess, spycraft, 2014-reads, humor
The economy being what it is (according to Malory Archer, probably due to all these immigrants driving around everywhere in their lowriders, listening to raps and shooting all the jobs), I did not immediately purchase this book. However, when I came across it for $2.99 on Amazon I thought hey, like the lives of six pygmies sacrificed to get a Brazilian rosewood desk, this was really a small price to pay.
What does this book have in common with commandeering an airboat, kickin' it with Burt Reynol..more
Jul 18, 2016Michael Finocchiaro rated it liked it
I am a big fan of the animated show Archer so when I saw this book I jumped on it. Is it great literature? No. Is it informative about spy stuff and cocktails? Not really. Is it an intimate personal view of the character? Nope. Is it a hilarious trip through his alcoholic-soaked, overblown ego? Yep! Essential reading for Archer fans :) PHRASING!!!
Oct 26, 2012Jason rated it it was amazing · review of another edition
5 Super Spy Stars (Maybe Chinese)
Archer is the man!!! God I really love that show. When I saw this book for sale I knew that I would have to read it.
'This could make my job harder.
And while there are many things to like about being a devastatingly handsome, martini-drinking, jet-setting, model-banging, world’s greatest secret agent, hard work isn’t one of them. If I wanted to work hard, I’d be a farmer. Albeit a devastatingly handsome one. So even though my contract with (the man-hating, unkempt..more
Jul 09, 2012KimArcher rated it really liked it · review of another edition
Shelves: 2012, humour, male-author, educational, 2010s, tie-in, parody, spy, black-humour
It seems that Castle isn't the only one cashing in on his success by releasing a book. Sterling Archer, spy extraordinaire, write his how-to guide on spywork, sex (free and paid), food and more.
While at times the joke does wear a bit thin for the most part this is a hilarious rendition of how-to guides full of the humour that makes the show so great. It's politically incorrect, disturbing it parts, but surprisingly quite factual. I stopped and looked things up a few times and found them to be tr..more
Apr 07, 2012Carlos Lavín rated it liked it
So we get the world's greatest secret agent (which he insists on reminding us he is.. every 4-5 pages or so..) writing us a fairly shitty list of what it would take to try and fail miserably to be the world's top secret agent (since that position is already filled.. by him).
The book started out great, lots of laughs and witty comments. You could actually read it in Archer's own cocky suave voice, talking about his editrix, martinis and cobras.
Once we got into the actual how-to-ing it did slow..more
This book makes me realize I love the TV show, not the character and his 172 page self declaration of how his life is better than anyone elses. This could have easily become fantastic read if it was a retelling of past missions regarding the various subjects referred to in the ToC. But no, It's a terrible cash grab from page one that takes 1/5th of the book to just show various drink recipes and inject all the failed/cut jokes that couldn't make it into the script.
Feb 10, 2012Roxanne rated it it was amazing
Firstly you really need to watch the show Archer to appreciate this book otherwise you'll not get the joke so watch that first then you'll totally know how amazing it is.
I loved the book, its hilarious and it isn't just the same jokes repeated from the show or episode guides it's totally new and well worth buying. Seriously are you watching the show yet? Also i love Woodhouse..
Dec 27, 2012Dan Bell rated it it was amazing
I gave How to Archer 5 stars because it is what I expected: a 175-pg-ish monologue of Sterling Archer, the fictional cartoon spy (greatest in the world according to his own claims), bantering about the spy world, admittedly because he's contractually obligated to do just that.
There's a couple reviews out there citing that it fell flat or that it was too conceited and shallow in parts. To them, I simply ask: what did you expect? It's Archer for Christ's sake. It's not some classic literary piece..more

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Disclaimer:
None of what I'm going to say will make the least sort of sense unless you are a fan of the animated TV show 'Archer.'
'Archer' is a raunchy, cynical, utterly tasteless send-up of the spy genre, modern culture, and pretty much everything else. If 'South Park' is funny to you, then you really should give 'Archer' a shot. It's brilliant at what it does, which is skewer things mercilessly.
Archer is the shows titular main character. He's a deadly, accomplished spy in the classic James Bond..more
May 19, 2012ayrdaomei rated it liked it
Shelves: finished
I could hear Jon H. Benjamin's voice in my head the entire time I was reading this How To guide, reluctantly written by the world's greatest superspy (self-reported), which made reading this book easier than it might have been otherwise. It'll illict the occasional titter, but you're probably not going to be rolling in the aisles. You will be very curious to play bartender and to spend a morning trying your hands at Eggs Woodhouse, however.
No material is reused from the show so it's worth a read..more
Dec 15, 2012Michael Burnam-Fink rated it really liked it
Do you love Archer? Of course you do, because if you're reading this, you're my friend, and all my friends have excellent taste in everything. How to Archer is pretty much what it says on the tin: a perfectly in-character guidebook from Archer himself where he talks about how awesome he is. Don't expect useful advice (well, except maybe the cocktails) or more insight into the world of Archer. On the other hand, if you can do a decent H. Jon Benjamin impression in your head, it's fairly hilarious..more
Apr 27, 2017dianne rated it did not like it
Only Sterling can make something
“not only magical, but also even more magical than that.”
Jan 21, 2013Tung rated it it was ok
Disclaimer: I think Archer is my favorite show on TV right now. I purchased all of the seasons on iTunes, and watch all of the episodes fairly regularly, so my bias is to rave about this book. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case. The book is essentially one long monologue by the self-professed world’s greatest secret agent. In his intro, he tells the reader that he convinced (seduced) an editor from HarperCollins to write a memoir, but finds out that he is instead contractually obligated to write..more
Since I am a huge fan of the show, I was pretty excited for the book. And I'm not saying that it wasn't humorous and ridiculous like the show because it was. But what I realized by reading this is that part of the real appeal of Sterling Archer is watching him in action, not listening to his stories. You just can't compare the two. Had I never seen the show, I probably would have given this book 5 stars, but because I can't help but look for similarities between the two, I can only give it 4. I..more
All Archer fans should shell out $2.99 to get this Kindle book on Amazon. You will not be disappointed. It's short, but hilarious, and written pitch-perfectly in Jon Benjamin's voice, which you can't help but hear in your head as you read. Don't skip the footnotes - they're the funniest part. My one complaint is the lack of inside jokes and references to the show and characters. (No mention of Lana, Cyril, Cheryl/Carol, or Ray? Seriously?)
Feb 04, 2012Angie (Mind Malfunction) rated it did not like it
How to Archer: The Ultimate Guide to Espionage and Style and Women and Also Cocktails Ever Written by Sterling Archer is a standalone book designed for someone other than me. I was expecting a comedic James Bond book but what I got was some narcissistic drivel. I'm obviously not the target audience for this book. There's a part in the book where Archer explains that if you're a woman reading the book, than its because you want to bed him. So, yeah, I guess that says it all.
Feb 18, 2014Clay rated it really liked it · review of another edition
I found How to Archer in Amazon's Kindle library for something like $3.99 and, since I'm a fan of FX's series Archer, I decided to give it a read. I was NOT disappointed. It is impossible to read this book without hearing the buttery sweet and youthfully naive TV voice of Sterling Archer (as voiced by the delightful Jon Benjamin) as you whiz joyously through it's (albeit short) 172 pages. One of the most deliciously wicked aspects of FX's TV series Archer (at least in the stiflingly PC climat..more
Sep 26, 2013Catherine rated it really liked it
Recommended to Catherine by: Someone on Tumblr.
I enjoyed this book from start to finish. I see a lot of negative reviews being placed, and I can't help but disagree. I think this book is pretty much the embodiment of any Archer episode.
'I try not to rely on bribery too heavily, for two reasons: one, it’s pretty boring, Two, ISIS has this whole big voucher process where you have to sign out the money, which they then count—like every single dollar—on Mother’s desk, and the whole time she’s just smirking at you with that smirky little smirk on..more
If you're looking for classic literature, this is not the book for you. On the other hand, if you're looking for something incredibly funny, you might enjoy this book. 'Archer' is a television series on FX that follows the humorous adventures of a fictional spy agency, ISIS. The main character on the show is Sterling Archer, who is the self-proclaimed 'world's greatest secret agent.' This books is Archer's guide to being a spy.
If you're a fan of the show, you will enjoy this book more than if yo..more
As I have (excitedly) recommitted to trying to read 52 books again this year, I have a lot of great books picked out, and I find it somewhat Ironic this is the first that I read. This wasn't on my list, as I didn't even know it existed until today, but I think it has gotten my 2013 goal off to a hilarious start.
This book is 'written' by Archer, the fictional character of the FX television show of the same name. This show is equal parts hilarious, irreverent, graphic, and definitely only suited f..more
Jun 07, 2012Brian Williams rated it really liked it
'Danger Zoooone.' Archer is simple one of the best shows on television. I also want to point out I only found out about Archer because of my love for the Geektress podcast.
The problem with a lot of tie in books that are suppose to be in the voice of one of the characters is they just don't in any remind you of said character. This book is pure Archer. All adrenaline, bullshit, and surprising intelligence.
One of my favorite things about this book is how it never feels like a book that is writt..more

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Sep 27, 2014Simone Beauvoir rated it it was amazing

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There was a moment, between laughing at Nazi industrialism and genial black folks, where I wondered if I'm actually a huge asshole for finding this so funny. Then Archer cracked a joke about transgender Thai prostitutes and the moment passed. This book, apart from being wildly inappropriate and the reason I'm going to straight to hell, is laugh out loud hilarious. It's riddled with show references and written in such a way that you can actually hear H. Jon Benjamin narrating it in your mind. (I'..more
If you've ever wondered what life is like for James Bond when he's not in a book or movie, watch Archer on FX. Sterling Archer is (according to him) the world's greatest secret agent. He's the handsomest animated character I've ever seen, he's smug, charming, a gigantic asshole, and more fun than he deserves to be. H. John Benjamin provides Archer's voice (the whole cast is fantastic), and this book allows you to hear Benjamin's dulcet tones in every hilarious, dick-ish word.
If you like Archer,..more
Mildly amusing for fans of the show. However, this book isn't really laugh out loud funny, and I think I worked out why. On the TV show, Archer is usually stopped in his outlandish and occasionally offensive verbal posturing by the other characters, and the interplay between him and the others is what makes it hilarious. In this book, the character of Archer is left to continue this posturing with no interference, which just makes it tiresome and /actually/ somewhat offensive after a while.
Apr 04, 2014Christine Rains rated it really liked it
If you enjoy the TV series, Archer, you'll love this book. It's jammed back of Archer humor. I laughed out loud several times.
Two reasons I didn't give this book 5 stars:
1) The show is funnier because of the other characters. Sometimes Archer himself can be too much.. Archer.
2) No section on Cobras.
Short Review - If you have seen the show, you already know the best lines this book has to offer. There’s not a lot of original content in this book, and Archer works better as a character in short sharp lines, not so much as long winding paragraphs.
Save yourself the time and effort, Go watch anything Archer on YouTube.
Easy 4 star book if love Archer. Fifth star is for being Archer. Minus 5 stars because I'm a minority feminist who read this book to be offended. Plus 5 stars because that isn't true. 5 stars overall.
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Aug 11, 2012Robert rated it it was amazing
A spot-on spin off from the TV series - impossible to read without hearing the character's voice in your head speaking every line. (This is a good thing as a professional voice actor is much better suited to monologuing than my own brain-voice is.)
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Sterling Malory Archer (voiced by H. Jon Benjamin), codename: Duchess, is 184 lb, 6'2', 36 years old (computer screen readout in the show's first episode), and is considered the world's most dangerous secret agent. Though he shows proficiency in stereotypical spy skills—weapons, driving, martial arts—his only real interest in the job is the opportunity to enjoy a jet-setting lifestyle full of sex,..more
“They say stress is the silent killer. But poison darts are also pretty damn quiet.” — 19 likes
“If I wanted to work hard, I’d be a farmer.” — 7 likes
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